For some reason that I don't know, I feel like I want to disappear. Not like suicide or anything, but I just want to vanish...POOF...and not have to deal with anything.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear from other people's sight and watch them live life like I'd never existed. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would have been happier if I hadn't been born...and if anyone would have felt like something was missing.
I had to tell myself "no" to self-mutilation for the first time in months tonight. My mother and I were talking about something stupid, and she made a point that made me feel like a fool and like a hypocrite, and IDK I was just in the right mood to be made unhappy by this. I wasn't majorly tempted but it crossed my mind like it did right before the first time I ever did it.
I know God's love for me is endless, and that He's always there when I need to call out to Him, but it's all just there.
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I wrote this on December 15, 2006.
ReplyDelete"So, this is going to be one of those blogs that no one reads. It's all about "feelings" & such. LoL. But really.
Does anyone else ever feel like, sick of life? I'm not talking like suicidal, I mean like you're not really accomplishing anything, or going anywhere? That's how I feel right now. I'm in a difficult position, because ever since my accident, I'm convinced that I'm alive because God has huge plans for me. If He didn't, I would have died in a field on May 24, 1992. But somehow, nothing ever seems to come through. I want to make an impact on people. I want to DO something. Monday night I was lying in bed thinking & praying, & it just seemed to hit me. I feel like I was called to this certain job, but I'm not sure how to pursue it. It's not a normal job. It's not a job you can just interview for & if you look nice & talk nice & can work the right hours, you're in. I've been praying alot about it, & it really feels like something God is calling me to do. But I still end up back at the first question: How do I pursue it? I'm not sure where to start. I guess by praying, which I've been doing constantly. But I almost feel like this might just be something else I'm getting my hopes up for, & it will just fall through in the end & I'll be disappointed again. I suppose that's where I just have to have faith that God's Will will be done no matter what. I just feel like I've reached a dead end where I'm at right now. Sure, my job is fine, my life is good, & I have a lot to be thankful for...but I feel like I'm not DOING anything. That I'm not helping anyone by working at Olive Garden in Albuquerque, NM. I don't know, I just really feel like I need to just pick up & leave for awhile, start over with this "new job" I'm hoping for.
I guess I'm just saying that I could really use some advice, & most importantly, prayer. God knows what direction I'm headed in. He put this on my heart to begin with, He knows where I'll end up. Just pray for me please. Thanks for reading this insanely long rambling blog. Comments would be appreciated, if you have any advice for me.
Oh, & btw...I know I never mentioned what the job is. Some of you already know what I'm talking about. I guess I'm just afraid that if I actually come out & say it, I might be getting my hopes up too high & I'd be even more disappointed if it didn't work out."
I know it's a bit different than what you posted, but the opening words were so familiar. I have been where you are, in a way, & I continue to pray for you every day. I promise you that NOTHING you are feeling is out of the ordinary, especially for your age. What matters is how you handle the situation...do you give in to temptation, or do you let the tears fall anyway & trust God? I know it is so hard to do. But I also know that God has such amazing plans for you, & He is only giving you what He knows you can handle.
(1 Peter 1:6-7 NIV) [6] In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. [7] These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
(James 1:2-4 (NIV) [2] Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, [3] because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. [4] Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I hope this helps. I love the title of your blog, btw.